Feeling Good in my Skin

milehighmolly
Sep 8, 2020
6 min read

Hey everyone, so this week I'm not going to be talking about skincare, but about the journey to feeling good in my own skin. To be honest (if you can't already tell from my lack of posting), I haven't really been feeling like posting skincare stuff lately. I feel like I just came out strong right out of the gate and kind of....ran out of things to talk about. I'm still figuring out what I want this blog to be, and I'd be remiss to talk ONLY about skincare, because there's so much more to me than that. I don't want to pigeonhole myself into just one topic because I find a lot of things really worth talking about. Sorry in advance if this gets too ranty- this is just a stream of consciousness and I felt like sharing. Hopefully you will stick around to take this 180 turn with me.

So I'm going to share with you a really personal story about where I'm at right now and where I want to be. I've struggled hard with my body image for years (TRIGGER WARNING: this post is going to talk about body shape, diets, and working out. If you're struggling with body dysmorphia or an eating disorder you may find this triggering.) I have a lot of shame around this topic because I *know* I'm in good shape, and struggling with my body image feels really shallow when most people would put me in the "fit" category. In fact, most people would never guess that I struggle with body image issues from the way I post on socials about my fitness. But the way I feel is very real to me and my feelings are still my feelings. But I share this in hopes that it will resonate with those struggling with the same thing.

Body Dysmorphic Disorder: "a mental health disorder in which you can't stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance — a flaw that appears minor or can't be seen by others...." Mayo Clinic

For years I've been obsessed with hating my stomach. I started working out in my early twenties because I was gaining weight, and at a point where I couldn't hide my rolls anymore. Usually I would just "tuck it" underneath a high waistband, but gaining 20 pounds on a 5'1" frame just didn't leave anywhere else for it to go. My weight gain, namely my stomach, was starting to occupy more and more of my mental space. Even though I totally realize it wasn't that big of a problem and I looked fine...I still hated the way I looked. I admit I didn't start working out for the right reasons. I did it out of self-loathing. But I don't regret getting into working out, because my health wasn't in a great place at the time, and along that journey I've learned that the #1 reason to workout is for your long-term health, NOT your appearance. A leaner shape is just a side-effect, nothing more. That has helped immensely to take the pressure off of attaining appearance-based fitness "goals".

In learning how to fuel my body with nutritious food and work out effectively, I saw some amazing changes in the way I looked, and those changes have stuck with me for years with consistency. Unfortunately, those changes were a double-edged sword for my body image, because I still haven't lost the ONE thing I originally set out to lose- the muffin top. And it drove me to a pretty hopeless place where I was considering taking extreme measures to restrict my diet- not eating enough calories and cutting out entire food groups- to reach my goal. In contemplating doing this, I realized that it was not really addressing the elephant in the room: the fact that I had not accepted that I may never have a flat stomach. And the fact that I needed to find a way to be okay with this so I could move on with my life.

I recently came across a forum post on FitnessBlender.com, one of the kindest and most supportive fitness communities out there, and it brought me back to my own issues with my stomach. The poster was asking why their muffin top wasn't going away with exercise while they were seeing progress everywhere else. I immediately identified with this. I had to respond. I found it really cathartic because acknowledging the fact that I was struggling helped me to process and realize that yeah, this may not ever change and where I'm at RIGHT NOW has to be enough for me because I'm actually very healthy. It was basically me confronting myself and saying, "No, bitch, you don't get to abuse your body to reach some goal that probably isn't realistic for your body type anyway".

Here's a snippet of my reply:

"Your story is really personal to me. I've been working out with FB for many years. I lost a lot of body fat but I still have a little stomach roll, and probably always will. That's just my body type. I can do 45 seconds of flutter kicks and bicycle crunches no problem. I have super strong abs. But they're covered by a liiiiitle layer of fat. I struggled for so long to see past that little belly roll, and nothing I did ever seemed good enough. Even though I'm in the best physical shape of my life, it didn't seem to matter. And it was literally so exhausting and de-moralizing to think about that all the time. I was in the boxing ring with myself every time I went to put on my workout clothes.

I've realized recently that those fat stores have actually allowed me to gain muscle and lift heavier while maintaining a pretty lenient workout schedule and diet. If I reeeally wanted to lose that last little bit of fat, I'd have to DRASTICALLY change my lifestyle, cutting a huge amount of calories, never eating cheat meals EVER (yeah, not gonna happen), and working out everyday to get a flat tummy. I'd probably also lose some muscle tone from cutting that much. Is that worth it for me? NO. It's too extreme, and I am choosing not to spend so much time and energy obsessing over my tummy rolls. I'd rather be happy and have tummy rolls than have no body fat and be tired and miserable. Believe me, I've been there and it's done NOTHING for me but make me feel worse about myself.

Hoping that you can keep up with healthy eating and exercise, because these habits will make you feel great, and that's what matters more in my opinion. The more you obsess over your stomach, the more dangerous it becomes for your physical and mental health. You're at risk for developing extreme habits that are unhealthy. It's never bad to have goals of course, but those goals need to come from wanting to be healthy, not from wanting to look a certain way. That's a slippery slope...."

The other elephant in the room is that I really don't have a lot of stomach fat anymore. But yet I still think it's this huge problem. It's totally a brain thing. I've spent so much energy being hyper aware of how my stomach looks all the time. I've been integrating self-loving practices so that I can let go of this obsessive need to monitor my appearance. A suggestion I gave to this poster was getting rid of all the articles of clothing that make you feel self-conscious and only wear things that make you feel GOOD about yourself. I don't wear low-rise jeans or low-rise leggings. I don't wear form-fitting T-shirts. I don't wear two-piece swimsuits. I probably will again one day, but as long as my self-image is still fragile and healing, I'm not going to make myself vulnerable to my harsh inner critic. I'm only going to wear the things, do the things, and think the things that make me feel good about myself. I'm not going to restrict myself. I'm going to eat to feel good and satisfied, and work out to get stronger, not to punish myself for having a tummy. Which, by the way, is perfectly OK and normal to have. Fitness and food are tools for good health, not torture devices.

I hope this helped whoever needed to hear it. Again, I feel slightly ashamed sharing this story but I'm going to anyway because it makes me feel better.

xoxo, Molly